Okay, maybe death is a bit melodramatic. But I can’t be alone in feeling a tad, well, daunted in the face of a fully wood-floored home, right? And then there’s all the conflicting (mis)information flying around out there — helpful tips offered by well-meaning friends, family, and so-called experts — on how to best care for hardwood floors. It’s enough to make a gal wanna look into some low-maintenence high-pile or shag. (Okay, maybe not shag. Let’s not lose our heads or anything.)

So I’m here today to dispel some hardwood floor myths and set us all on the right path, as best I can. A path of gleaming, silky wood-grained goodness. Come along, won’t you?

To begin: What constitutes proper daily(ish) care for wood floors? My research suggests bi-weekly (HA! RIGHT!) sweeping and/or vacuuming is the way to go. I’ve also seen Swiffer-type soft-cloth sweepers recommended with some enthusiasm, since they’re non-abrasive and won’t potentially scratch your flooring, unlike brooms and vacuum cleaners.

How should one wash a hardwood floor? Ah, this is where things get potentially tricky and confusing. But let me quickly summarize what I’ve gleaned from numerous sources, which taken altogether seems to represent the consensus thinking on this matter:

1. DO NOT use Murphy’s Oil Soap. I know, I know. You were told this was what you should use, right? And, like me, you probably don’t even remember who told you that or why you believed them. But based on everything I’ve read, this substance is apparently a big no-no. Over time it adds build-up to the floor, and actually dulls the floor’s finish. And so it is with sadness in my heart that I say: STEP AWAY FROM THE OIL SOAP. DO NOT WANT.

2. DO NOT use water. Which seems, err, kind of impossible? But water is, in truth, a wood floor’s arch-enemy, and should be looked upon as such. Water can seep into the seems between boards and cause warping and other general nastiness, so steer clear of it and wipe up spills with a dry cloth the second they happen.

3. DO use a damp (see: almost dry) mop with a PH balanced wood floor cleaner. Use a cleaner made specifically for wood floors, like Orange Glo’s Hardwood Floor Cleaner (or something like their Cleaner And Polish (and no, I’m not a paid Orange Glo spokesmodel)), NOT Mop-n-Glo (gasp!) or Pine Sol (the horror!) or whatever else you may have on hand. Better to stew a little longer in hardwood filth than clean with the wrong product and destroy your floor. At least that’s what the voices in my head keep telling me.

Anything else I need to know? Don’t wear high-heel shoes (if you’re into that sort of thing) on your hardwood floors. Like, EVER. In fact, if you can institute a No Shoes In The House rule, all the better. Oh and you might want to look into some area rugs and runners, for a little extra protection, particularly in high-traffic areas. Or just go live in a bubble or something. Heh.

That’s it! Following these guidelines, both you and your floor should be golden. If you have any other tips, please feel free to leave them in comments here. Hardwood insights, ahoy!